Without Reason

"Goodbye without reasons is the most painful one. Love without reasons is the most beautiful one."

I'd be hard pressed to find a statement more honest than that one. There's something heart breaking about people leaving you without giving you a reason. It might be death, it may be a severed relationship. But those unexplained goodbyes sometimes feel unbearable. 

And yet, when someone loves you without a list of reasons why, it breathes life into your lungs again. It can pull you out of the depths of despair and place you on the peak of a mountain top. That's what it has done for me. 

I know both of these feelings well. The pain, and the joy. Maybe it's the pain that makes us appreciate the happiness. Would we even know how to be happy if there wasn't hurt in the world?

24 Cents

I was at the gas station a few days ago, waiting in line to pay. I was behind a man who had a check filled out before he made his purchase, and had gone a few cents over. The clerk informed him he was 24 cents short. His shoulders dropped, slightly disheartened, and said he'd run out to his car and see what he could find. I pulled out a quarter, and handed it to the clerk. "I got it." He looked at me, astonished. "Oh, no, that's okay. You really don't have to do that." I simply smiled and replied, "I know." He picked up his bag and said, with utter sincerity, "Thank you so much."

I couldn't believe how something so small and simple had made such a seemingly large impact on him. It made me think... what if we all did those little things for each other? It seems so cliche, but would the world really be a better place to live in? I'm not sure; but I do know that I smiled the whole way back to Grand Rapids. It made my world a little brighter. That's enough for me.

Mistakes Have Consequences

Come home to me
Come home to me
Back into my arms
Home where you belong
Come home to me
Come home to me
If home is where you are
Then home is way too far away

The TV light of blue and white 
I just can't fall asleep
And I move over to a space 
Where you should be
Even halfway seems so far
Over mountains and diamond stars
So

Come home to me
Come home to me
Home where you belong
Back into my arms
Come home to me
Come home to me
If home is where you are
Then home is way too far away

All my life I've dreamed of love
Never thought it would hurt this much
To kiss goodbye and wait for your return
So I'll be strong and hold on
To the picture and the thought of you
Getting all of the love that you deserve

Come home to me
Come home to me
Back into my arms
Home where you belong
Come home to me
Come home to me
If home is where you are
Then home is way too far away
If home is where you are
Then home is way too far away

I Might Be A Clone

I think we're all searching for someone to find us.  I don't necessarily mean a life partner.  Just someone.  Someone who sees past all the facades we put up, all the masks we pretend are actually what we look like.  Because, really, it’s nice to be known.

I heard a quote that said, "Please don't understand me too quickly." I liked it so much I wrote it down in my journal.  I liked the idea of remaining somewhat of a mystery to people.  And in all honesty, I am pretty good at preventing premature understanding.  I'm good at hiding.  I have fantastic masks- for all occasions.  These masks, while sometimes exhausting to wear, have given me a sense of security for a lot of years.  I’ve gotten pretty comfortable having them.

But so much for being a hide-and-seek legend.  It took about 30 seconds for a absolute stranger to completely size me up and see me for exactly who I am.  That, right there, is terrifying.  Also, a little bit rude.  I’ve worked really hard on those masks, and by now, they should be fool proof.
  
Now, the way I saw it, I had 3 options for this soul hacker.  1- Get a blood test done to see if I was actually one person living in two bodies.  And if so, call the Vatican.  Stat.  2- Run.  Just plain run.  3- See what would come of someone actually seeing through me.

Well, I’m not a runner, and I hate being poked with needles.  So I really had no option at all.  And I can honestly say I’ve never felt so relieved and panicked at the same time.  I mean, share the Xanax, kid.  It’s peculiar. I’m stumbling around a bit, trying to figure out being figured out.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Even though I say that I hate it… I’m lying.  And I’m not so exhausted anymore.

Photoshopped Life

Have you ever woken up and realized you're not the person you thought you'd be?  When I was younger, I had this image of my life in my head.  What I'd be doing, where I'd be, who I'd be with... And I'm not living in that picture.

In some ways, it's disappointing.  I've made mistakes I'm ashamed of.  I've hurt people who didn't deserve it.  I've let great opportunities slip through my fingers.  There are a lot of things I wish I'd done differently.  And I'll never be able to.
 
But my sometimes epic failures have taught me at least one important lesson.  There are people in my life who see past who I've been; they see who I can be.  And even though I'm nowhere near perfect, they love me just the same.  
 
That's more than I could ever ask for.

2,459,808,394 Seconds

Last night a close friendship of mine came to a very official end.  It was a strange feeling.  I came home, and found myself feeling pretty low.  As much as I didn't want to, tears fell down my face.  I let myself feel hurt, and lied in my bed, feeling quite hollow.  I could feel myself slipping, sinking down to somewhere I knew I didn't want to go.  And somewhere I wasn't sure I'd find my way out of.

But then a surprising combination of Angels and Airwaves and a quote I hung on my wall made me realize that moping around, feeling awful about what happened wasn't worth it.  The quote says, "The average person gets 2,459,808,394 seconds.  Use them well."  I stared at it for a minute as it sunk in.  Then I realized, "I'm wasting my seconds."

What happened, and how it happened was hard.  But that doesn't change the fact that I have a ton of truly wonderful people in my life.  People that understand me.  People that love me. People that want to, and do, treat me so much better than that.  So instead of crying for the loss of one, I'm choosing to appreciate the ones that remain.  And always will.

Life On The Porch

My porch is hands down my favorite thing about my new house. I probably spend more time sitting out here on our ghetto couch than inside. There's an atmosphere on this porch. A good one.

Almost every night my roommates and I wander outside, and plop down on the couch. Laughs are shared, guitars are strummed, stories are told... we live the good life.

Since I moved in last month, I've had some of the best conversations of my life sitting on this porch. Just last night I sat out here with a friend I met this summer talking into the early hours of the morning. It was so great to learn more about her life, and be able to share some of mine too. The night air played with our hair as we delved into the real matters of life: family, friends, faith, relationships. I learned more about her in those few hours than I have with friends I've known for years.  It was awesome.

So if you ever find yourself on Wealthy Street, come on over. I'll meet you on the porch.