I Might Be A Clone

I think we're all searching for someone to find us.  I don't necessarily mean a life partner.  Just someone.  Someone who sees past all the facades we put up, all the masks we pretend are actually what we look like.  Because, really, it’s nice to be known.

I heard a quote that said, "Please don't understand me too quickly." I liked it so much I wrote it down in my journal.  I liked the idea of remaining somewhat of a mystery to people.  And in all honesty, I am pretty good at preventing premature understanding.  I'm good at hiding.  I have fantastic masks- for all occasions.  These masks, while sometimes exhausting to wear, have given me a sense of security for a lot of years.  I’ve gotten pretty comfortable having them.

But so much for being a hide-and-seek legend.  It took about 30 seconds for a absolute stranger to completely size me up and see me for exactly who I am.  That, right there, is terrifying.  Also, a little bit rude.  I’ve worked really hard on those masks, and by now, they should be fool proof.
  
Now, the way I saw it, I had 3 options for this soul hacker.  1- Get a blood test done to see if I was actually one person living in two bodies.  And if so, call the Vatican.  Stat.  2- Run.  Just plain run.  3- See what would come of someone actually seeing through me.

Well, I’m not a runner, and I hate being poked with needles.  So I really had no option at all.  And I can honestly say I’ve never felt so relieved and panicked at the same time.  I mean, share the Xanax, kid.  It’s peculiar. I’m stumbling around a bit, trying to figure out being figured out.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Even though I say that I hate it… I’m lying.  And I’m not so exhausted anymore.

Photoshopped Life

Have you ever woken up and realized you're not the person you thought you'd be?  When I was younger, I had this image of my life in my head.  What I'd be doing, where I'd be, who I'd be with... And I'm not living in that picture.

In some ways, it's disappointing.  I've made mistakes I'm ashamed of.  I've hurt people who didn't deserve it.  I've let great opportunities slip through my fingers.  There are a lot of things I wish I'd done differently.  And I'll never be able to.
 
But my sometimes epic failures have taught me at least one important lesson.  There are people in my life who see past who I've been; they see who I can be.  And even though I'm nowhere near perfect, they love me just the same.  
 
That's more than I could ever ask for.

2,459,808,394 Seconds

Last night a close friendship of mine came to a very official end.  It was a strange feeling.  I came home, and found myself feeling pretty low.  As much as I didn't want to, tears fell down my face.  I let myself feel hurt, and lied in my bed, feeling quite hollow.  I could feel myself slipping, sinking down to somewhere I knew I didn't want to go.  And somewhere I wasn't sure I'd find my way out of.

But then a surprising combination of Angels and Airwaves and a quote I hung on my wall made me realize that moping around, feeling awful about what happened wasn't worth it.  The quote says, "The average person gets 2,459,808,394 seconds.  Use them well."  I stared at it for a minute as it sunk in.  Then I realized, "I'm wasting my seconds."

What happened, and how it happened was hard.  But that doesn't change the fact that I have a ton of truly wonderful people in my life.  People that understand me.  People that love me. People that want to, and do, treat me so much better than that.  So instead of crying for the loss of one, I'm choosing to appreciate the ones that remain.  And always will.

Life On The Porch

My porch is hands down my favorite thing about my new house. I probably spend more time sitting out here on our ghetto couch than inside. There's an atmosphere on this porch. A good one.

Almost every night my roommates and I wander outside, and plop down on the couch. Laughs are shared, guitars are strummed, stories are told... we live the good life.

Since I moved in last month, I've had some of the best conversations of my life sitting on this porch. Just last night I sat out here with a friend I met this summer talking into the early hours of the morning. It was so great to learn more about her life, and be able to share some of mine too. The night air played with our hair as we delved into the real matters of life: family, friends, faith, relationships. I learned more about her in those few hours than I have with friends I've known for years.  It was awesome.

So if you ever find yourself on Wealthy Street, come on over. I'll meet you on the porch.

People Watching

I like to watch other people worship. Seeing people with arms in the air, tears streaming down their face, enthralled in utter praise stirs something inside of me. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but it tugs at me somewhere.

I was at a praise and worship gathering at Aquinas tonight, and I was so taken by a few of the other attendees- one in particular. My gaze continually went back to her. As we sang, she held her hands high, her smiling radiating throughout the room. This girl felt something when she sang. She wasn't just standing in a small, musty chapel. She was standing in the presence of God. And her clear recognition of this made me realize it too.

I found myself a bit jealous of her.  It was like everyone else just faded into the background.  It was just her and God.  It's not as if my singing was merely empty words.  But I can't say I was consumed with God the way she was.  I'd sure like to be though.

Here's To The Beginning

I've mused over the idea of starting a blog for quite some time now.  But I didn't like the thought of others casually perusing through the inner workings of my heart and mind.  I feared my deepest thoughts, the realest parts of me, would be skimmed over too quickly.  It made me uneasy.  It still does.  

Regardless of my inhibitions, I've decided to give this a shot.  Perhaps someone out there in cyberspace will enjoy my reflections.  I'd like that.